How to Handle Parenthood in Recovery

A baby’s primary emotional task is to bond with their caretaker, which means they’ll often have a fear of separation. When you feel like you’re not getting the space you need to rest and grow, you can have the peace knowing that it’s normal and for a season. A baby’s primary social task is developing trust with others while their primary intellectual task is exploring the world around them. Regularly giving them attention and basic needs while also providing safe toys and objects to play with support both of these tasks sufficiently.

A pre-K kid’s primary emotional task is to communicate their feelings. This usually happens very strongly. When your child has a sudden outburst of anger, see it as them learning the boundaries of emotional communication rather than misbehavior. Their primary social task during this stage is to form bonds with non-caretakers. Provide as much opportunity as you can for them to interact with their peers. A pre-K kid’s intellectual tasks are satisfying curiosity, reasoning and learning cause and effect. Acknowledge their questions and provide ways to learn. Let them express their fears and then help them to understand those fears.

A preteen’s primary emotional task is to set up an image of success. They’ll begin to identify areas where they succeed and then strengthen weaknesses. Learning to succeed in school demonstrates the basics of succeeding in adulthood. Their primary social task is to develop honest and healthy relationships with both peers and adults. Most importantly, a preteen’s primary intellectual task is developing their own sense of morality rather than simply doing (or not doing) something. Give them space to learn to behave because they understand the good in it rather than simply fearing the consequences.

The teen years come with rapid physical, emotional and social change and are arguably the hardest to navigate. Rapid changes in mood are normal, but long intense periods of anxiety, depression, or anger might be evidence of a more serious problem. A teen’s primary social task is the search and struggle for identity. They’ll develop strong opinions on their likes and dislikes that will often differ from your own. Their primary intellectual task is developing interest in sophisticated subjects like politics and science. Give them space to make their own decisions and communicate about their lives.

Show sensitivity to their rights, needs, independence, and point-of-view. Allow them to express their feelings about the rules without interpreting that as disobedience. Have a schedule. Having a schedule helps them understand what’s expected of them and others. Schedule a family talk time that lets them unwind, share and reflect. Solve problems with them, not for them. This means defining the problem, going over possible solutions, deciding together on the solution, and then executing the solution with them.

It’s important for rules to be clear and unchanging. Be firm but warm. don’t be too lenient or inconsistent. Don’t give in to pleading. This leads to confusion about right and wrong, what’s acceptable and unacceptable. They’ll be less likely to obey inconsistent rules because they’ll seem unimportant. Don’t be too strict or harsh though. This means not letting them speak up and using physical punishment to intimidate them into submission. It also means not screaming, embarrassing, or criticizing. This can lead to aggression, low self-esteem, or worthlessness.

Rather than implementing punishment, especially physical, implement appropriate consequences consistently to both positive and negative behavior. If they hit their sibling with a toy, take that toy away. If they offer to help bring in the groceries, let them have a snack before dinner. Don’t criticize. Rather, offer praise whenever the opportunity arises. Praising good behavior is the best way to deter negative behavior. But praise effort, not just success. Kids naturally want to do well. When they fail, they already feel bad about it. Give them enough encouragement to risk another failure.

Listening shows that you respect them and care about what they think. Invite them to speak and create an environment where they feel comfortable to communicate honestly. Practice active listening. This means paraphrasing and rewording what they said to better understand what they mean. This will make them either feel understood or allow the opportunity to clarify. Don’t focus on who’s to blame, but instead focus on the solution. Don’t lecture or overgeneralize, saying it’s “always the same problem.” This can cause them to feel like they’ll never do something right.