Understanding Compulsive Sexual Behavior

Compulsive sexual behavior often develops out of unprocessed childhood trauma, regardless of its intensity. This can be due to a stressful event or a violent, chaotic or rigid family system. Both can leave a child feeling isolated and abandoned and like they can depend on anyone. They become out of touch with reality and use sex to regain control. In more intense cases, sexual abuse plays a major role. Sexual abuse can make a person confuse sex with love.They believe that the only way to relate to others, be nurtured, and find happiness is through sex. Regardless of the inciting environment or events, codependency can also play a major role in compulsive sexual behavior.

Similarly to substance use disorder, people with compulsive sexual behavior will commonly become involved with others that have a similar issue. These people then encourage, participate, enable or ignore their behavior. The two disorders often go hand in hand, in fact. Sometimes, a person might use substances to enhance their sexual experiences, which often leads to a dependency on the substance to perform well. But more often than not, it’s the other way around. Their sexual behavior causes severe psychological pain, loneliness, or fear and significantly damages themselves, their family or their friends. They then turn to substances to self-medicate this pain.

The process of compulsive sexual behavior starts out at such a small scale and grows exponentially. Most of the time, this happens without the person realizing what’s really going on. It starts with just a thought, an intrusive trigger caused by anxiety, depression, loneliness, or anger. Although they don’t realize it, this emotional response is usually related to their past trauma. Reducing the effects of the trigger is the most effective way to avoid compulsive sexual behavior. If the trigger isn’t handled properly, the thought will build into a pattern of fantasizing.

Fantasy helps increase the obsession and arousal of compulsive sexual behavior. Once arousal has built to a certain point, it becomes harder to stop thinking about sex. As the fantasy increases, so does the obsession. Control starts to be lost and a person starts to make a plan to satisfy their compulsions. Eventually, they follow through on their plans and engage in compulsive sexual activity either alone or with others. This stage is almost exclusively followed by shame, embarrassment, and anxiety of being caught or discovered. They then try to hide their behavior and make unkept promises to never act that way again. After a while those feelings only trigger a new cycle.

Compulsive sexual behavior develops subconsciously, but recovery from it takes quite a bit of intentionality. Also similarly to substance use disorder, recovery from compulsive sexual behavior requires you to talk about your feelings. Bottling it up creates tension and anxiety, increasing chances of relapse. Be mindful of your triggers and share them with someone you trust. When examining your triggers and compulsions, remember the acronym S.A.F.E. Do you have to be Secretive? Will your behavior Abuse others? Are you avoiding painful Feelings? And is the behavior Empty of a caring, committed relationship?

Recovery from compulsive sexual behavior is not about abstinence. Sex is a natural part of life. Its about changing your thought patterns and ridding yourself of unhealthy and abusive sexual experiences. Committed, healthy sexual relationships is important for recovery. However, the most important part is learning to be intimate with people not based on sex. Relying on physical attraction without emotional intimacy can keep people in unhealthy relationships longer than desired. Likewise, moving too quickly to sexual intimacy can ruin relationships, especially those in early recovery. So remember to be mindful of your intentions, emotions and triggers when developing intimate relationships with others.